Nibbled News

Crafty Lawyer Burnt For False Arson Claim

 "I'm glad to see you're not letting your education get in the way of your ignorance."  ---   Anon.

 

Sometimes a person may be too smart for their own good. The following real life situation took place in Charlotte North Carolina and has been labelled as being the "best lawyer/insurance story of the year, decade and possibly the century". 

An allegedly shrewd and experienced lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then  insured them against , among other things, loss due to fire.

Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars, the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost 'in a series of small fires".

The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason, that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion. The lawyer sued and won.

 

Delivering his ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company, in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable 'fire' and was obligated to pay the claim.

 

Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the cigars that perished in the 'fires'.

 

NOW FOR THE BEST PART...

After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 individual counts of arson.

 

With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.

This true story won first place in last year's Criminal Lawyers' Award Contest.

 

Invent A Patch To Save Some Marriages

If you made a list of the reasons why any couple got married, and another list of the reasons for their divorce, you'd have a hell of a lot of overlapping.  ~Mignon McLaughlin, The Neurotic's Notebook, 1960

This is an impassioned plea trying  to keep lawyers and divorce court costs out of the bedrooms and bank accounts of America.

Many marital conflicts are at times the result of conflicting emotional feelings and sentiments of confused and disgruntled couples and as such do not come under the direct purview of the judicial system. 

The time has finally arrived  for an enlightened populace to allow the  creative scientific community the opportunity to process and perfect a hormonal patch that disputing married couples can jointly use to save themselves from divorce and get their marriage back on track.

Scientific inventiveness , genius and creativity over innumerable decades has consistenly attempted to help man enjoy a carefree and productive lifestyle. The problems of female infertility, male erectile dysfunction, persistent indigestion and occasional bouts of embarassing flatulence have all been successfully handled.

If the problems listed above are hormone related then who is to say that emotional situations and tensions that eventually do arise between the most loving , compatible and closest of couples could not benefit from such a quick and inexpensive fix.

I appreciate the fact that many talented and well-known divorce court attorneys make their six figure salaries helping grieving spouses rectify an intolerable marital situation. Their efforts to comfort their clients is well documented and costly at the best of times.

The disputing couple would now make an appointment with a marriage counsellor who would take a proactive approach and recommend not only couple's therapy but also the marriage patch in the hopes of not only rectifying their current marital strife but also stave off the possibility of enlisting the services of a good family lawyer.

Members of the legal association, fearing loss of a substantial amount of income, would probably launch state by state class action lawsuits aimed at determing  the legality and the overall safety aspects of using the patch. Many lawyers do tend to get overly emotional and protective when their  lifestyles are threatened.

Human beings are ever changing vessels of emotions, sentiments and feelings. A patch designed to specifically help regulate or temporarily modify a couple's conflicting emotional levels would be a lot less costly and more effective than filing for a divorce and upsetting a couple's lifestyle and financial situation .

Jurisprudence can only go so far in affecting the way members of a society relate to one another as far as the law is concerned. Perhaps it's time that science lends a helping hand to couples trying to cope with the pressures and strifes of modern life.

Sometimes Simple Things Become Confusing

Television commercials often tend to trivialize those things in life that start off simple yet in reality offer inherent challenges all their own.

The actors in the commercial effectively setup a situation in which the products are easy to use --- at times so deceptively simple a child can use them effectively.

In reality however there may be hidden product considerations and design concerns that the advertisers and product promoters may have neglected to consider in their overall commercial presentation.

Whenever an advertiser overlooks a product's potential to frustrate customers they  are effectively closing the door on increased sales and product acceptance.

My major complaint involves Pillsbury Crescent rolls and the almost impossible way the dough inside the container refuses to exit the carton no matter how hard a person tries to coax, cajole, pry and eventually tear apart the cardboard wrapping.

I have tried on several occasions to bake the crescent rolls and sample them for myself. The commercials show the ease with which the package opens when gently and lightly tapped on the edge of a kitchen cabinet top. The dough almost leaps from the cardboard enclosure.

Many times in the past few months I have banged the very life out of the container and at no time did the dough ever vacate the packaging willingly.  The cardboard is resistant to any and all attempts to split it apart and empty it of its doughy contents.

Out of frustration I eventually throw away the unopened container and abandon all hope of ever baking the rolls for myself. Although I fervently vow to never, ever purchase another crescent roll package ever again my personal feelings do mellow over time and I find myself at the grocer's freezer display purchasing the uncooperative dough.

A number of web sites claim that the dough is extremely versatile to use and offer numerous tasty recipes praising the dough as a perfect base of operation. At no time do any of the sites demonstrate how to effectively open the container and remove the moist dough from its cardboard packaging.

I harbor no ill will against the Pillsbury Corporation and the many fine products they offer consumers. I only wish they would redesign the crecent roll packaging so that more folks like myself could effectively remove the soft dough , place it in the oven, bake it and eventually sample the rolls without the initial frustration.

 

 

 

Beer Ad Explores Our Fears and Prejudices

So let me assert my firm belief that the only thing we have to fear is fear itself - nameless, unreasoning, unjustified terror which paralyzes needed efforts to convert retreat into advance.   - Franklin D. Rooseveltt

 

 

For years beer commercials have depicted scantily clad young vixens actively promoting , endorsing and enjoying a glass of their favorite bubbly brew. The message appealed to the male beer drinker in the family who wanted to drink as many brewskies as he could and still maintain a svelte manly physique.

The commercials always follow the traditional story line about brewing systems, best ingredients used to make the beer and unequaled taste and appeal. Of course there are also the contests involving meeting the hottest models, unparalleled prize offers and a myriad of other such bonuses.

The advertising team at Carlsberg brewery has recently adopted a new game plan regarding their beer drinking promotions. In essence the advertisement is part of an overall gorilla campaign by the company to snare more of the beer drinking market. The ad was not filmed in an elaborate studio. The advertiser did not use actors but rather real people who were not clued into the Candid Camera style of realism used.

The overall atmosphere in the scene was meant to be intimidating. The seating arrangement in the theater was contrived and developed so that there are only two seats remaining in the crowded room.

As you watch the video ask yourself what would you do  if you found yourself in such a situation. Would you make your way to the available seat or would you wimp out and leave the theater in fear and dread.

This is the first in a series of such creative ads to not only promote a product but also to make the viewing public a bit more aware of their fears, phobias and prejudices.

All advertisers should exhibit a bit more creativity in their work and not always follow a boring pro forma approach to hawk their wares. Bravo Carlsberg!

　

　

　

Hey, I'm Just Doing What They Tell Me!

"I enjoy mowing the lawn, it relaxes me.  It gets me outdoors, it's good exercise, the freshly cut grass smells great, and the engine is loud enough that I'm sure no one else can hear my thoughts - or intrude upon them. "    --  Astrid Alauda

I whole heartedly agree with the notion that summertime is definitely the ideal time to tend to lawn trimming, weed whacking and of course watering the lawn to keep it moist, well manicured and relatively healthy looking. But do all these necessary outdoor chores really have to be completed before eight a.m. in the morning?

I live in an apartment complex where all the outdoor ground maintenance activities are handled by contracted personnel. I would call them professional except for the fact that on some days the person handling the power lawnmower is a teenager trying desperately to control an unco0perative piece of powered lawn equipment.

Since the beginning of June the lawn maintenance team has managed to trim, whack , spruce up and water the lawns on approximately the same days of the week. ..and of course before eight a.m. This service is faithfully performed rain or shine and always at the start of the appointed hour....seven a.m.

It's amazing that a section of lawn that has such sparse growth should be weed whacked, cut by a small John Deere tractor and then given the once over by a hand guided power lawn mower. How fast can a section of struggling lawn really grow overnight?

Monday to Wednesday the lawn crew trims very small sections of the lawn for the three apartment complex buildings. It seems at times they leave just enough untrimmed lawn so that the person going over the very same piece of real estate the next day will have something to do.

This divide-and-conquer approach works just as well for the weed whacker operator. There are eighteen trees total on the property. Each day a third of the trees are given in depth attention and care. 

This tender , loving care and attention to detail is drawn out for a full sixty minutes. So, if you work a midnight shift and get to bed by seven your prospect of getting that first hour of undisturbed shut eye is truly an impossible dream.

I recently spoke with the office manager and explained to her what I had observed over the past month. She agreed with me about the early morning operations but stated candidly that she had not observed the type of quality the ground maintenance the team was offering.

She did assure me that she would speak with the crew's supervisor and would not mention my name as the tenant lodging this complaint. There is afterall an eight a.m. noise curfew bylaw in effect banning such a noisy intrusion in the area.

Well that was last week. All my nagging and complaining were obviously in vain. We are now experiencing monsoon type rainfall but the undaunted lawn care crew is out there cutting, trimming, whacking and watering regardless of the time or weather.

Yesterday during a recent torrential downpour I walked over to the person using the weed whacker and asked him why he was out there in such obviously lousy weather.

He turned off the motorized weed whacker, removed his protective noise ear muffs and told me , "Hey, I'm just doing my job man...regardless of the weather."

What more can a person say about such dedication? He continued his fussing about the trees until eight a.m. He finished his work and the rest of the day was a quiet as an unoccupied Egyptian crypt.

The onsite apartment manager did offer her own explanation for their behavior. She told me that they were contracted personnel  working for minimum wage and probably were not that concerned about the type of job they were offering their employer.

I spoke with a number of other tenants who told me they too lodged a complaint to the site manager. I wonder if her own indifference to our complaints could be directly related to her own hourly rate of compensation.

She told me she was a perfectionist. She probably is just that type of person. Her perfect lack of concern and interest in our complaints could explain why nothing is being done to silence the lawn mowing team. 

 

 

 

 

 

Enzyte Bob Scores High At Airport Scanners

Summer is the time of the year when an increasing number of travellers consider flying to both exotic and domestic destinations. It's the time  for relaxation and travel to new and exciting places.

A majority of these folks are prepared for the expected flight delays, cancellations, long lineups and an assortment of other airport glitches which will make their waiting time unbearable and nerve wracking.

What they dread and cannot reconcile themselves with is the thought of airport security personnel freely groping and patting down the private parts of their bodies.

This "intimate patdown" as it so tenderly referred to in the trade papers has caused more first time travellers and seasoned ones as well to cancel any and all flight plans they may have considered.

The resulting flying phobia and hesitation is based on the public's sense of propriety, self consciousness and of course the embarassment --- the prospect of being groped by strangers in a public setting is not really that exciting a prospect.

The creative advertising team at Enzyte, a male enhancement product, realizing this public fear of flying , has created an opportunity for their product mascot Bob to demonstrate that passengers can and should overcome their fear of flying and not be intimidated by airport ruffians.

 The advertising skit shows a smiling Bob getting ready to be scanned, probed and harassed by a supposedly grumpy and jaded airport security team. As he steps on the metal detector the camera shot zooms in on his feet just as his jockey shorts land down at his ankles.

As he is about to be scanned by a hand held scanner the camera pans back to Bob's face. He is beaning a very wide and obvious smile...among other things. The camera then shows the faces of the security team, stewardesses, pilots and an assortment of other airport personnel smiling with obvious approval.

The ad segment could be considered off color. However the often time finicky and paranoid security personnel in the ad show their unanimous approval that Bob is not a security threat and that the contents of his under wear if not explosive but could produce fireworks under the right circumstances. Wink. Wink.

From a sociological perspective the ad is offering a wakeup call to all airport travellers who have thus far been unfairly intimidated or targeted by badly trained or ill informed security staff.

The concept of the ad is no more outlandish than the actual real life situation in which a 94-year-old grandmother was asked to lower and remove her undergarment because the security agent detected a foreign and questionable object in her sanitary diaper. Perhaps it was an undigested tidbit of badly prepared airline cuisine.

The real life horror stories of airport security infractions and abuses grows on a daily basis. So too does the public angst increase about using air travel as a means of transportation.

It's up to advertisers and creative marketing companies to take as aggressive a stance on this topic as the people at Enzyte have assumed. It is time to inject a healthy amount of humor and surprise into those areas of life which have been colored by dread, fear and irrationality.

 

The Comedic Impulse Eludes Drew Carey

Comedy just pokes at problems, rarely confronts them squarely. Drama is like a plate of meat and potatoes, comedy is rather the dessert, a bit like meringue. -----   Woody Allen

Drew Carey, the current host of The Price is Right, is definitely a people person who enjoys interacting with his live studio audience and relishes in his own celebrity and acquired fame. He is obviously comfortable and at home in such an interactive environment.

His seemingly innate inability however to create comedy content which will excite, enthuse, entertain and captivate his audiences is apparent to anyone who takes the time to watch only a few minutes of Carey's new TV show , Improv-A-Ganza,  which is carried on the cable networks game show station.

One wonders why the network executives placed this genre of comedy show on the game show network. Perhaps this was a Freudian slip on their part -- they wanted to take a gamble on an offering lacking any proven track record of performance and quality.

The talented comedians of past years, the greats who appeared on The Ed Sullivan Show, exuded charisma , charm and excitingly controversial material. They were able to immediately form a bond with their audiences and the combination was explosive. In those bygone days ladies and gentlemen that  was called entertainment.

Carey's motley crew of comedians rely mostly it seems on interacting with an audience who probably have had a bit too much to drink and will easily laugh at anything offered to them under the label "comedy".

Drew claims that hecklers upset many comedy routines because the material is boring and the heckler believes he is adding a bit of zip to the skit. Unfortunately any heckler worth his salt would not ruin his reputation by interrupting Carey's team of misdirected miscreants as they flounder about on stage pandering for applause.

If you enjoyed the frivolous antics of fellow students in grade five then this show is definitely for you. The routines are tired, not very comedic and at times insult an audience's intelligence.

Drew should have kept his day job and not tried to overextend the boundaries of  his charisma and comedic talent abilities. In this sad situation the price was not right for Drew.

Chuck Lorre Often Prostituted Sheen's Talent

 
Chuck Lorre (left) and Charlie Sheen (right) clear the air on issues.

"I believe that consciousness creates the illusion of individuation, the false feeling of being separate. In other words, I am aware, ergo I am alone. I further believe that this existential misunderstanding is the prime motivating force for the neurotic compulsion to blot out consciousness. " - Chuck Lorre

For the record will someone in Hollywood please sit down with Chuck Lorre and carefully, slowly and repeatedly explain to him that he is not Norman Lear and that his comedy writing team and the creative crap they brazenly offer the viewing audience on commercial television is sorely lacking in any type of comedic content let alone social commentary.

Mr Lear's comedy offerings were timely, funny and filled at times not only with social criticism but also thought provoking episodes. His genre of entertainment, often thought of as being avant garde at the time,  could be described as cerebral and viewing audiences actually laughed at and enjoyed the weekly episodes.

Mr Lorre's "comedy sitcoms" are non cerebral, crass and aimed at times at the lowest common level of humor:  guttural. While Lear's satire and humor aimed at comedy situations above the waist Lorre's weekly viewing stipend is aimed at places way below the belt and at times reek of bad comedy, inappropriate cliche targeting and just bad writing.

I am sure that Lorre's creative comedy writing teams desperately want to entice, thrill and hopefully seduce viewing audiences for the long term. Charlie Sheen provided the type of big name clout the show needed to attract such an avid and adoring audience.

Unfortunately Sheen turned out to be the type of commercialized Judas goat that could be both loved and loathed. For a mere $1.2 million per episode of "Two and a Half Men" Sheen prostituted his talent, career and skills to line the pockets of Lorre's backers and advertisers.

Initially Lorre's writers offered humorous comedy situations in the first few years of Charlie's shows. Over time though the laughs became fewer and fewer and the plots began to delve more into the neurotic and darkly perverse side of human nature.

Audiences now laugh nervously as the show's characters are embroiled in situations that are deserving more of therapy than applause. The phrase "who's your daddy?" takes on a whole new connotation when one character in Charlie's show is shown beating his butt on a closed circuit tv screen. So this is humor?

Another of Lorre's creations," The Big Bang Theory" is also suffering from the ill effects of too few laughs per episode. Sex dominates the overall tome of each show and the characters reading the lines offer wooden performances indirectly showing their distaste for the crap they are memorizing and presenting each week.

In a world desperately seeking humor to alleviate some of the stress of the times Lorre's type of humor should be placed out in the pasture of life where it can do the most good: fertilize and stink up the immediate environment.

It may turn out that Mr Sheen should be complimented and patted on the back for having the guts in helping to bring down or else slowing down one of Lorre's less inspiring sitcom programs.

His overall real life drinking and carousing may have helped Charlie to save his career and allow once enchanted viewers the opportunity to click off the televison switch on the rest of Lorre's questionably "creative" content without feeling any pang of guilt.